Daily Grinding

K’s second birthday is in six days. The house is not clean. Invitations are not sent. I still don’t know what time to have the party. I agonize. I flip flop. I worry no one will come anyway. And they probably won’t, because I haven’t given them enough time to plan for it.

I repeatedly fill the sink with hot soapy water and dirty dishes only to come back later to cold water and no dishes done.

Some days I pick up a schedule and I run with it. I can be productive. Look at this before and after shot:

Desk Before & After

Desk Before & After

SEE! I can be productive.

And I can’t act like I wasn’t productive today, either. I got a library card! And I checked out books. And now I have access to all the books. Today was a good day. Tomorrow: 2nd birthday party invites.

I Quit My Career

2014-09-23 13.51.18I’m sitting at my dining room table, crying for my son and for his friends at daycare. I’m crying for his teachers who won’t see him, and for him, because he won’t see them either. Goodbyes are never easy, and this has been the hardest part of quitting my career.

I thought I would be taking him in for drop-ins here and there, but we’ve already been displaced by 4 new toddlers and it sounds like a drop-in thing isn’t good for them.So, instead of saying “see you later” it’s time to say “goodbye.” I mourn.

If you’re reading this and you know me, you might still be surprised that I quit my job. I didn’t talk a lot about it. Talking about it came to feel like asking permission to do it, and I knew everyone would tell me not to. I just stopped telling people. I stopped believing in it. I stopped believing in living on someone else’s schedule, doing work that bored me to death, mostly to pay for daycare for my son. The Universe was speaking to me in a few different ways and all signs were pointing to radical action. And I took a huge risk, a great leap if faith, for sure.

So, what am I gonna do?

First, I’m gonna clean my house. It’s bad. Being away from the house for 12 hours a day and having a toddler to feed and bathe every day leaves very little time for sweeping the floor. Did I mention the three dogs. Big ones. Hairy ones. I’m sure you can imagine. You might see some before and after pictures here. My confessional of what it gets like when you literally have no time to clean.

So after my house is clean? I’m gonna do whatever I get interested in. And I’m gonna keep doing whatever I get interested in until I figure out what I don’t want to stop doing. Welcome to my new adventure!

Time keeps on slipping…

KaidenMy son will be 5 months old tomorrow. I felt miserable at the time, but pregnancy was good to me. I had the usual aches and pains and problems, but now that I’m no longer pregnant, the fibromyalgia has started to creep back in. My pain has been at a level 5 or 6 continuously for three days. I take ibuprofen sparingly. It’s one of the few things I can take while breastfeeding. So I live with the pain. My comfort is second to my son’s well being, and I am convinced children should breastfeed as long as possible.

Most people have no idea I’m in pain almost constantly. Right now, sitting at my desk: my left ankle is throbbing; my right knee is very sensitive, but only hurts when I move it; my left hip feels tight, my lower back and mid back hurt, my right shoulder is stiff and painful; and my neck has several dull aches that are hard to pinpoint. I promise this isn’t going to be the sort of blog where I complain about my body day in and day out.

Yesterday I brought Youtube up on the TV and tried to do some yoga. I searched ‘yoga for pain.’ The first video I watched I couldn’t do. I got stuck on the second one when they suggested I do pigeon pose. How does someone with back pain even get into this position? A dear friend suggested searching for ‘yin yoga’ or ‘restorative yoga.’ When I find another half hour to myself, I’ll give it a whirl.

I keep trying to figure out why I felt better during pregnancy and my practical brain tells me it was all the relaxin – a hormone that: “is known to mediate the hemodynamic changes that occur during pregnancy, such as increased cardiac output, increased renal blood flow, and increased arterial compliance. It also relaxes other pelvic ligaments. It is believed to soften the pubic symphysis.” – from Wikipedia

In a nutshell, Relaxin softens up the tendons, ligaments and other connective tissues… the same ones that cause pain in most fibromyalgia sufferers. Seems like we could come to some sort of mutually agreeable situation where relaxin might be used to treat fibromyalgia, but maybe I’m reaching a bit.

Rick Shepard © 2012

Rick Shepard © 2012

In the meantime, I tried to get an appointment with my primary doctor for back pain, eczema, and knee pain. She was out of town for a week, but I needed some more immediate attention. I couldn’t get a quick appointment with a chiropractor, but I found a naturopath who treated me with acupuncture. I have always been curious about acupuncture, but always thought it wasn’t aggressive enough, or wouldn’t work, and I didn’t want to spend the money on it. I was desperate. So I went, and I was amazed. The needles stuck in my body were coaxing it to realign itself, to heal itself. It was pretty amazing and I felt it continuing to work for days after. The second session wasn’t as profound, but it was just as satisfying. It’s a good time to meditate – something I also need to do more often. Afterwards I felt a little confused and groggy, but beyond that I felt much improved. I think I like it better than chiropractic therapies. The jury is still out on the Chinese herbs she prescribed. They taste pretty pungent, but I think they’re helping me feel better, too.

When I finally made it to see my doctor (by then I had caught a cold, and was pretty sure I had bronchitis), the whole situation felt wrong. The staff seemed unhappy and cranky. I was running 10 minutes late, so I called to let them know. My consideration was not appreciated, and I felt like I was a huge annoyance. When my doctor finally saw me, I felt like I was annoying her, too. I’m convinced she was rolling her eyes the second she walked out of the exam room. When I commented that I couldn’t get an appointment with her the previous week, she told me she hadn’t had a vacation in 4 months and had to get out of town. I don’t blame her, and yet I also don’t feel sorry for her. Maybe she should have chosen another career if she gets that tired of people. How many people do you know get a vacation every 4 months? Not me, that’s for sure. I left with a prescription for antibiotics that I shouldn’t take while breastfeeding, and steroid cream that I also shouldn’t use while breastfeeding. I definitely don’t feel they were working with me to help me get better. I felt like they were giving me whatever would get me out of their hair the fastest.

The days are getting sunnier, and that helps so much. I am ready for spring. The winter is so hard on me. Bring on warm weather and let the daffodils bloom. This is going to be the best year ever. My life depends on it.